Prudence

hard… the word i could associate for such an experience that made me  cry…

it was an awful day, full of hesitation. i was thinking of so many things to comply for me to pass the first semester. keeping myself cool, still could not avoid thinking of one of the concepts i am taking up..  really making me pressured… it was like being pushed and pulled..

i could not imagine how can i be able to surpass these trials of mine… one thing for sure is that this has started when my father died of cancer….

february 2008 still in my third year in nursing, my father was diagnosed with cancer stage 3… knowing the situation since im on the field, i could not believe that my father is suffering from such serious disease. i could not describe how i feel knowing his condition.

me and my father was never been close to each other. ever since, i never found him laughing at my jokes, sympathized whenever i have problems, and celebrated in my successful  moments.

i was really wondering , why in the world i was chosen to be one of those who are in my situation. i’ve done a lot of things in life just to make him happy and be proud of me.

I’d been a good student since elementary and now in college. i was garnered with lots of achievements not just in school but also outside  school premises. he never had attended one of my graduations… and i was really preoccupied with the thought that he might be present during my graduation this coming March.

i guess i’ve done all i could do……but… neither of these seemed to be effective.

yes, i was compensating that much just to catch a little of my father’s attention but i never heard him say that,” Mac2x i’m so proud of you.!” i was really waiting for that very special moment to come…

i’ve been keeping my good grades in college for me to graduate as cum laude if ever given the chance to be and see my father receive the honor that i have struggled for him.. but i guess, that moment would no longer be possible…………………………..

june 2008, my father died……… i was really not thinking of that moment to come…. i was in shock… confused… mixed emotions of guilt, disappointment, loneliness, and hopelessness… what i was thinking on that very moment is that what could  i become without my father…. what’s the use of struggling  much, if my hardships would no longer be recognized since my father has left.

everything in my sense seems to be useless. i felt that i was in the middle of nowhere. pointless and far out of direction….. that’s why………………………………………………

when i returned to school after a week of weeping and solitude, i was really numb and my mind was not focused on learning…. i was in the  midst of adjusting from the loss that i had.

i took the quiz, even though i knew nothing about the things that they had discussed. i failed…. i tried to cope up with the gap but i  felt it was hard… i missed a lot of quiz but fortunately my instructor gave me time to compensate on my misses.

now, as the first semester is about to end, i still have not taken those misses…. you know why? cause everytime i study the concept, the death of my father comes in…  im still unprepared to take the quizzes and right now still confused if i still have the chance to pass the concept…….. if i fail this, its the same as failing my father…. and i could not take it if that would happen…..

its like the world is on my shoulder… i have no idea….  really miss my father….. i considered him as a source of inspiration when he was alive. would i be  inspired even if he is not around?

i still dont know what to do…. im still looking for ways on how would i be able to manage the situation.

if this has been only a dream, and dreams could be reversed, i would choose to be with my father even if  i feel like fatherless  rather than waking up without a father.

BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS……………………………………..

fatherless in his presence is full of inspiration………………………………………………….

fatherless in his absence is full of misery……………………………………….

It was a day full of confusions and doubts. i was wondering why life seems to be unpredictable. you cannot tell what happens next. you ain’t got nothing but to expect not just what you expect but to expect the mere unexpected things.

In our lives, we have experienced things or events that had left us lessons to learn. and from these experiences we become what we want to be.

It was meanwhile, when i was just thinking of happy thoughts and memories of childhood. there, i could remember how much it molded me. i have become so much of what people expect me to be and it has influenced my life until this contemporary day.

Yet, moments of happiness could be a sort of triumph towards things that would test how much could you do. how much could you give? how much can you offer just to be happy?how much suffering can you withstand…..

When we were little children it was like happiness has never been a dull moment… no thoughts of regrets and disappointments… enjoying each and every passing day. didn’t even care about what was happening,

Happiness could not be measured. it was like nobody cares for as long as your happy. it seemed like an unending happiness.

Now, in our age, happiness is very difficult to be found. in the sense that, whenever people see you happy they would be jealous. in some instances, people would even try to destroy your life and be happy when you become miserable. its hard, but its true. Even I, had experienced this for sometime…

How would you manage to be happy if the person who makes you happy is the person who does not want you to be happy. Sounds confusing, Right? but still true…. it can happen to anybody…

You…. did you find what you are looking for….? how far are you now in your pursuit for real happiness in life… did you experience it already?

Yes, maybe, no…. if you say yes, are you really that happy? what makes you happy? who made you happy? if you say maybe, how much happiness do you want in life? whats your reason why you are torn between somehow being happy and not happy? if you say no, do you have reasons for living? do you have any plan to be happy? did you search for the things that will make you happy? or you were just standing and staring at a certain thing waiting until such time you will get bored and turn out to be happy.. how stupid…

Any of these questions, would only lead to one answer…God…. God makes us happy… Happy are those who live in God… ” Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousnesss. and all these things shall be added unto you”

Any thing we want in life will be given by God for as long as we live in this world with Him. HAPPINESS???? its eternal with God…. Now, did you find it already???????????????

Lindsay was busily preparing for the toughest test of her life. She would spend all day taking the examination to see if she is qualified as a lawyer. To get ready, Lindsay wrote down every questions she could think of, and she didn’t rest until she could answer them all. When the day of the exam arrived, she passed it because she had tested herself beforehand.

Paul told the Corinthian Christians something that applies to us as well. In preparation for the Lord’s supper we should examin ourselves. Any sin, any deficiency in love, any spirit of bitterness should be confessed and taken care of before proceeding with Communion. Why? Because ultimately, as followers of Jesus Christ, we are accountable to God.

How do we test ourselves? We can begin by looking at two issues: First, are we expressing and demonstrating our love for God and for others?. And second, are we seeking to please God more than anything else?

As Lindsay tested herself in order to be prepared for her toughest exam –God’s evaluation of our lives. Then we can participate in the Lord’s Supper and worship Him with a clear conscience.

TO KNOW WHERE YOU STAND BEFORE GOD,  TEST YOURSELF BY HIS STANDARDS.